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This one was sent to me by Jody,thnx Jody.
you might be a high tech redneck if:
1-if your e-mail address ends with"over.yonder.com"
2-if you connect to the www via "down home page"
3-if the bumper sticker on you truck says"my other computer is a laptop"
4-if your laptop sticker says"protected by Smith and Wesson"
5-if you ever doulbed the value of your truck by adding a cell phone.
6-if your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
7-if your wife said"either her or the computer had to go" and you still dont
miss her.
8-if you refer to your computer as "OLE BESSY"or"DARLIN"
9-if you start all your e-mails with "Howdy Ya'll"or "Hey Bubba"
PSST:This one is for you HUEY!!!! hahaha!
THIS ONE IS FROM MY FRIEND(AND JUST ONE OF MY PARTNERS IN CRIME)WHO HAPPENS TO BE A NATIVE FROM ARIZONA.THANKS
REBECCA!
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "FEE - niks."
2 The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to 10:00am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00pm to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on all freeways -- I-10, I-17, U.S. 60, Loop 202 -- is 85 mph. You
may only exceed that speed on Loop 101, where the speed is allowed to match the highway number. Anything less is considered wuss-y.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version
of traffic rules. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires go after
that. (Note: EastValley,
SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right- of-way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly
shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
7 Construction is a permanent fixture in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during
the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows,
horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding
on any of these items.
9 . You must know that "Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the I-10" are the same
road.
10. To find anything in Phoenix, it is required to know where Central and Washington are. This is our
Alpha and Omega-- the Beginning and the End.
11. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder
immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
12. If you are in the left lane, and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone,
you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
14. You are allowed to wear potholders to protect your hands and fingers
during summer.
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This One was sent to me by my Boss(Thanks Ray)
IF REDNECKS RAN THE COUNTRY!!!
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This was sent to me from Dad.
An older lady gets pulled over
for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you
were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you
but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car
and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL: Don't
Mess With Little Old Ladies
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded
that she wanted to live in the couple's
multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little
better,
he prevailed.
He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day
packing her belongings
into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the
third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she
went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
curtain
rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning & mopping and airing
the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners
were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they
had to move out for a few days, and
in the end they even paid to replace
the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over
to visit... Repairmen refused
to work in the house... The maid quit...
Finally, they could not take the stench
any longer and they decided to
move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not
find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually,
even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.
The ex-wife called
the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that
she
missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the
house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price
that was about 1/10th
of what the house had been worth... But only if she
were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
hour,
his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new
girlfriend stood smirking as they watched
the moving company pack
everything to take to their new home...
including the curtain rods.
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A WOMAN'S VOCABULARY.
FINE=This is the word we use at the end of any arguement that we feel we are right about,but
we need to shut you up!Never use FINE to describe how a woman looks.This will cause you to have
one of those arguements.
FIVE MINUTES=This is half an hour.It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the trash,so this is an even trade.
NOTHING=This means something and you should be on your toes.NOTHING usually
means the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside-out,up-side down,and backwards.NOTHING usually
signifies an arguement that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.
GO AHEAD(with raised eyebrows)=This is a dare,one that will result in a woman getting upset
over NOTHING and end with the word FINE.
GO AHEAD(normal eyebrows)=This means "I give up"or"Do what you want I don't care".You will
get the raised eyebrow GO AHEAD,in just a few moments followed by NOTHING and
FINE,and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she has cooled
off.
LOUD SIGH=This is not actually a word.A LOUD SIGH means she thinks
you're an idiot at the time,and wonders why she is wasting her time argueing with you over NOTHING.
SOFT SIGH=Again not a word,SOFT SIGHS are one of the few things
that men actually understand.She is content your best bet is to not move or breathe,and she will stay content.
OH=This word followed by a statement is trouble.Example:"OH let
me do that"or"OH,I talked to him about what you did last night."If she says
OH before a statement "RUN" do not walk to the nearest exit.She will tell you she is FINE
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window,but do not expect her to talk to you for 2 days.OH
as the lead to a statement usually means that you are caught in a lie.Do not try to lie more and get out of it,or you will
get the raised eyebrows GO AHEAD followed by acts too unspeakable to write about.
THATS OKAY=This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say to a man.THATS
OKAY means she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is you have done.It is often used
with the word FINE and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow GO AHEAD.At
some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned ,you are in big trouble.
PLEASE DO=This is not a statement it is an offer.A woman is giving you the chance to come
up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing what you have done.You have a fair chance to tell the truth,so becareful
and you shouldn't get THATS OKAY.
THANKS=A woman is thanking you .Do not faint.Just say you're welcome.
THANKS ALOT=This is much diffrent than THANKS.She will say THANKS ALOT when she is really ticked at you.It signifies that you have hurt her in some calllous way,and
will be followed by a LOUD SIGH.Do not ask her what is wrong as she will only tell you NOTHING.
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