SO HOW IS LIFE TREATING YOU?

Give Her Your Shoulder, Not Your Mouth
By Gary Smalley
May 27, 2003, 11:53

Give Her Your Shoulder, Not Your Mouth

Your goal should be to become a gentle, loving, and tender husband who does not lecture. Lectures during stressful times only create more stress. This was a new concept to me because I wasn't fortunate enough to have a father who knew how to be tender to his wife. I wasn't aware of my wife's needs for tenderness until a few years ago. No one had ever told me that one of a woman's greatest needs is tenderness and a husband who will listen instead of lecture, and even if someone had, I don't think I would have understood. (I should have been able to figure it out, though, because when I am down, I like people to be gentle and comforting to me.)

I'll never forget what one woman told me: "If my husband would only put his arms around me and hold me, without lecturing me, when I am feeling blue!" But lecture #734 would begin as he told her she would feel better if she took an aspirin...if she were more organized...if she wouldn't wear her self down so much...if she would discipline the children better....

"Have you ever told him what you need?" I asked.

"Are you kidding? I'd be embarrassed," she laughed. "Come on, you're kidding."

"No. He probably doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know you need to be held instead of lectured. Why don't you tell him during a calm conversation some day?"

"That does kind of make sense to me. A lot of times when I am down and crying and all upset, he'll ask, 'What do you want me to do?' I just flare up and say, 'If I have to tell you what to do, it would wreck the whole idea.'"

As a husband, I recommend that you ask your wife when and how you need to hold her when she needs to be comforted. Ask her what circumstances prompt her to seek your gentle caring arms and touch. You can't dream them up on your own. We just can't perceive the deep feelings of other people. We've got to draw them out and then practice, practice, practice the skills of meeting our wives' needs.

The first time I ever tried to ski, I rode a rope pulley to the top of a small hill. The hill looked a lot bigger from the top than it did from the bottom.

I thought, no way am I gonna go down this hill. So I sat down on the back of my skis and scooted all the way down.

Even if you have to scoot instead of ski your way through the skills in this chapter at first, remember that you'll eventually be able to get to your feet. This book is certainly not an exhaustive marriage manual, but it is a start. Believe me, if you practice what is written here, you and your wife can have a more loving marriage.

When I was first learning the art of comforting my wife, we had an experience that took every ounce of self-control I could muster. But I came through a stronger man, encouraged by my new-found strength. I want you to imagine yourself in my situation. How would you have reacted?

I had bought a dumpy-looking boat for $400 because we wanted to do more things together as a family. That same night my son and I decided to take it for a quick trip to the lake, only five minutes from our house, just to see how it ran. Because of my inexperience as a boater, the wind blew the boat back to the bank the first time I put it in. I got wet and frustrated trying to push it out again. After an irritating ten minutes trying to start the cantankerous thing, the boat wouldn't go faster than ten miles an hour. Something was obviously wrong. I was quite a way from the shore before I realized I had better get back in case the motor stalled.

Then? "Dad, the boat's sinking!" Greg cried. I looked behind me and saw the foot of water that had gurgled in. The previous owner had taken the plug out the last time it had rained but had forgotten to tell me. With the hull full of water, I couldn't find the hole for the plug. Luckily we didn't sink. I put the boat back on the trailer, determined to take it back first thing in the morning. I was a little embarrassed to have the dumpy-looking thing parked in front of my house anyway.

A boat dealer told me it would take $150 to fix the engine's broken seal, so I returned it to the owner who had promised me I could have my money back if I didn't like it.

When I left home early that morning, I had agreed to be back by eleven o'clock so Norma could go shopping. Retrieving my money took longer than I had planned, and I arrived home an hour-and-a-half late. In the meantime, Norma had decided to take our minimotor home to the grocery store. Trying to turn it around in the driveway, she accidentally drove too close to the house and sheared off a section of the roof. As the roof fell, it put a huge dent in the front of the motor home.

When I pulled into the drive at 12:30, I saw part of the roof lying in the driveway next to the dented motor home. I just laughed out loud, more out of desperation than humor.

I wanted to say to my wife, "Oh, no, $500 at least to fix this. Where did you get your driver's license, at a garage sale?" I wanted to lecture her angrily and then ignore her for a while.

For once, I remembered what I was supposed to do. I told myself, "Keep your mouth shut and put your arms around her. Just hold her. Don't say anything, okay?"

However, my basic human nature told me, "Give her a lecture. Let our anger out. Express it."

My mind finally triumphed over my will. I put my arms around her and said gently, "You must feel terrible, don't you?" Even though war was still raging inside me. We went into the house and sat on the couch. I let her talk her feelings out.

I held her, and after a couple of minutes I felt good because I could feel the tenderness begin to flow from me. Soon I was fine, and she was encouraged. Minutes later, a carpenter friend drove up who had already heard about the accident. We had the roof patched and painted in two hours.

It felt good not to be angry for once. I hadn't offended my wife, shouted at the kids, or diminished any of the beauty of our relationship. I could have reverted to my old excuse, "Well, I just can't keep from blowing up." Instead, I had one of those encouraging victories.

My new-found sensitivity has been tested on several occasions. Once I almost blew it on a fishing trip. I normally become completely oblivious to my family and the world when I'm near a stream, totally "submerging" myself in the exhilarating environment of fishing: the smell of the air, the tension when a fish strikes, the sound of the stream. Oops! Back to the story.

When we pulled up in our minimotor home beside a beautiful steam, my heart was pounding. I could hardly wait to get my reel rigged up. First, I rigged the kids' reels and told them, "Look, if you get tangled up, you're on your own." (I used to get so frustrated when I was trying to fish and they were yelling, "Dad, I can't get this reeled in." I wanted to devote my entire energy to fishing on my own.)

I found the perfect spot: a nice deep hole in a pool in front of a big boulder. I threw in the lure and let it wander naturally to the bottom of the pool. It swirled around and wham! I got my first trout! I had nearly caught the limit when Greg came running up. I was sure he was about to jump into the stream and spook the fish. I was already upset and angry from his interruption when he said, "Dad! Kari broke her leg!"

Kari broke her leg! What a time to break her leg! I couldn't believe she would do this to me. It was hard for me to leave, but I gave the line to Greg and said, "Don't break it. Don't get it tangled up. Just keep it in there." I ran in Kari's direction, avoiding the big pool. After all, I didn't want to scare the fish.

Downstream, Kari was crying. "Daddy, I think I broke my leg."

When I looked at it, I realized it was only bruised.

"Don't touch it," I said. "It's not broken, it's just bruised. Put your leg in this cold water to soak for a few minutes."

I'm really embarrassed to tell the rest of the story, but maybe you can learn from my insensitivity. I ran back to the fishing hole and caught a few more trout before walking back to where Kari was crying. "Dad, this water is cold."

I rather roughly got her up to walk, but she couldn't. When I tried to hoist her up on the bank and couldn't, she started crying again and said, "Dad, you're so rough with me. Can't you be tender?" Something flashed when she said that word. It reminded me of all the times my wife and other women have told me, "What we need is tenderness and gentleness, not harshness. We don't need lectures." And I couldn't even be tender with my eleven-year-old daughter. I had already lectured Kari because I felt she was interrupting my day. "Why didn't you look first?" I had asked her.

Just who was more important anyway? Those trout or my precious daughter? It was hard for me to face, but those trout had been more important to me. I had let fishing and my own desire endanger my only daughter. I was wrong, and I should have known better!

When I came to my senses, I hung my head low and said, "Kari, I've been so wrong to be harsh with you. I really feel bad. Will you forgive me?"

"Yeah, I'll forgive you, Dad."

"Kari, you are more important to me than any fish, and I want you to know that. I was so carried away by this activity today that I really hurt you, didn't I?"

We just held each other for a while, and then she looked up into my eyes and asked gently, "Dad, did you use deodorant today?"

Discovery Listening Skill 1: Focus on the Other Person
By Gary Smalley
Sep 5, 2003, 12:58

*Open posture. Face your mate. If you are sitting, turn your chair toward each other and then relax. Unfold your arms and your legs-as folded appendages send a subliminal message of being "on guard" or "closed-minded." Unfolding your appendages sends a signal that you are letting down your guard and literally welcoming your mate inside your space.
*Encouraging nods and acknowledging words. You must let your mate know that you're focused on what he or she is saying. All it takes is an occasional nod or a word-just a single word!-of affirmation, as simple as "Yes," "Uh-huh," or "I see."
*Eye contact. During one of the Demmitts' workshops, a wife told her husband, "When you look at me while I'm talking it's like you are touching me with your eyes." What a powerful mode of unspoken conversation! Making eye contact is, of course, one of the directions on the ultimate relationship roadmap. In her book, You Just Don't Understand, Deborah Tannen cites research in which children were given a subject to dicuss. The little boys didn't look at each other as they spoke; they sat side-by-side and stared into space. However, the little girls turned their chairs toward each other and watched each other with full attention as they conversed. This behavior continued through childhood and young adulthood. Its meaning? Men must learn to focus most on maintaining eye contact.
*Touch. This is the most powerful nonverbal listening skill, the way to immediately drain anger from a situation. Just try it. I think you'll discover that when you touch your mate while you listen-holding hands, knees touching, a pat on the back-you will find it hard to focus on anger. But remember that this does not mean anything that could be remotely considered a sexual touch, which can ignite anger and unleash pain when you're dealing with an unresolved issue.
*Set the scene. Eliminating distractions is paramount to discovery listening. Turn off the TV, unplug the phone make arrangements for the kids. Let your mate know that listening is more important than anything else to you at this moment.

Daily Life: Can't We Get Along
By Gary Smalley
May 30, 2003, 13:48

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On an everyday level, the difference in the way men and women go about life might be driving you mad. Let's take a look at a few ways in which testosterone might be causing daily behaviors that are perfectly normal for many men but that you find deplorable.

Cleanliness: Next To Godliness Or Next To Impossible?

Most men fall short of a woman's expectations in the areas of housework and cleanliness. Sometimes this problem is merely an irritating reminder of everything else that bugs you about the man you love. Other times I've seen it cause outright marriage problems, some strong enough to lead the couple to consider divorce.

Here are a few of the common complaints I hear from women regarding their husbands' housework habits:

·"He mixes colors when he does laundry."
·"He doesn't really clean a bathroom."
·"His idea of a clean kitchen does not involve countertops, stovetops, pots, pans, or the floor."
·"Even when he offers to help, he does every task halfheartedly. I have to go back and do most of it over again."

By the way, one thing most women say in support of their husband is that he does a tremendous job on the yard and other stereotypically male jobs. Here's a list of the chores he may excel at:

·Mowing the lawn
·Keeping up the yard
·Home-improvement tasks or repairs
·Garage upkeep
·Maintaining the vehicles

The reason men generally seem to be better at these tasks is perhaps because there isn't such scrutiny on the tiny details. No one goes outside and studies whether every single leaf has been swept up. The only noticeable difference after raking leaves is that the leaves are gone. Task accomplished. Leaves conquered.

Housework, however, seems very strange to some men. Bob, a man I met at one of my seminars, related this story to me:

Bob fit very nicely into the generalizations we've been talking about. He liked factual statements and situations and at first resisted helping his wife, Betty, with housework.

"I didn't know what to do," he explained to me.

But in an effort to truly honor his wife, Bob chose to become a new man. Almost overnight he became willing to help Betty around the house. The problem, from his perspective, was that she was rarely satisfied. This became particularly evident once when Betty asked him to clean the downstairs bathroom.

"Sure, honey," Bob told her. "Where's the stuff to clean it with?"

Betty rolled her eyes. "We've lived here two years, and you don't know where the cleaning supplies are?"

Bob felt like a kindergartener flunking his ABCs. He waited until she revealed the hiding spot and then, armed with a bucket full of sponges, wipers, sprays, gels, and powders, he entered the bathroom.

What he saw was a complete surprise.

The bathroom was already clean. Bob looked around to make sure he was right. There was no dirt in the sink, none in the toilet, and none on the floors. He shook his head in confusion, returning the cleaning supplies to the laundry-room hiding place, and then reported back to Betty.

"It's clean," he said. Then he smiled for good measures.

"What?" Betty's eyebrows knitted into two tensely crooked lines. "That's impossible."

She led the way as the two of them returned to the bathroom. The moment Betty walked through the door she took a single glance around the room and put her hands on her hips. "What do you mean, 'It's clean'?" She grimaced at the sink. "It's filthy."

Bob followed Betty's gaze and squinted. For the life of him, he couldn't see any dirt whatsoever. To hear Betty he'd have expected to see whole colonies of mold and germs the size of house pets.

Since then, Bob told me, he's learned how to clean a bathroom regardless of what he sees. He simply attacks the room as though it did have germs the size of house pets, and even though he sees no difference in the before and after picture, Betty is simply thrilled.

So you see, part of the problem is that most men are not detail-oriented when it comes to cleaning. They want the job description and the proper tools, then they want to attack it and get it done. Fast. And as long as a job looks done, in their minds it is done. That's why cutting the grass is so satisfying. A man might miss a hundred blades of grass or more, but still, the job looks done.

Interestingly, in a much smaller percentage of men, testosterone can work the other way. Instead of being content with a mediocre level of housework, some men feel the house should be perfectly kept. These are the men who get bothered when something is out of place or when the floors don't look clean enough to eat off of. They may have such a need for order--and conquering dirt--that they overlook more important things such as relationships